What Happens When You Stop Trying to Control Everything? | Phil Kniesel

Many of us like control because it makes us feel safe. But when control takes over, it often leads to stress, anxiety, and frustration. In this message, Pastor Phil invites us to consider a better way forward.

 As we reflect on Proverbs 3 and the life of Jesus, we discover that surrender is not weakness. It is an act of trust that opens the door to peace, freedom, and a deeper relationship with God. This message helps us learn how to release control and choose surrender as part of loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind.

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- Hey, this is Phil Kal, lead pastor at Hope City Church. Thanks for tuning into our podcast. My prayer is that this helps and encourages you, gives you some practical ways to live out your faith and ultimately fills you with hope. Enjoy the message.- Okay, hands up across all our campuses. How many of you like control ? If you're really honest, maybe you would say, yeah, I'm a little bit of a control freak. No one likes to admit that and I bet some spouses were nudging and wanting to raise someone's hand here. There's definitely one situation where I like control, and that is driving. I would rather drive anywhere than be a passenger and the times when my wife is driving, I have to restrain my comments because saying things like, uh, babe, you can pass this guy now, or you can switch lanes now or it's free, or watch out for that. You can guess those things are not helpful., my hunch is most of us like control. It might not be driving, but maybe for you it's the kitchen. No one, but you knows the right way to put the pots away and the right spot for the spatula. And don't even get me started on the dishwasher., maybe for you it's work, it's with your kids with a situation or with a relationship. We like control and I think it's because having control in certain areas gives us a sense of security because there are so many things that are out of our control. Some would say, nah, it's not control. I just like things organized. I get it. I like order. I like things in their right place. In fact, that is a reflection of God. Scripture tells us that God is a God of order, but there is a distinction between being organized and being controlling. Now, control means to influence and direct the course of events. And most of us would love to say that all things in our life are in control. But since we can't say that, I believe our need and desire for control often leads to stress, fatigue, anxiety, worry, frustration and more. So could there be a better way? Is there another way, a healthier way, a more biblical way? Well, I would say there is, it's the opposite of control and that is surrender. And for many, surrender is a weak word. It represents losing, giving up, or even forfeiting. What's yours? Scripturally? Surrender is the foundation of a life in Christ. The entire narrative in following Jesus is about a life surrendered to his purposes and his ways. And from a Christian perspective, surrender can be defined as the following, a transformative act of yielding oneself fully to the will and authority of God. It involves relinquishing our own desires, plans and control to embrace God's purpose, God's perfect purposes for our lives. Jesus said it this way, whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross And follow me, surrender is about denying ourselves. It's about laying down our wants and our preferences and deferring to God. Surrender is all about relinquishing control. Now we're to our third week of our series entitled The Main Thing, a series where we're looking at what Jesus said should be the number one goal in our life. And he stated it this way, love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. And then he said this, this is the first and the greatest commandment. And so my heart for you, for me and for our church is that those words ring true not just this week or this month, but for the whole year ahead. That we would truly love God with all our heart, our soul, and our mind, meaning everything that is within us, every choice, every action, every thought, every way, every moment. We want to bring God glory. And this series has given us practical choices we need to make to live this out. Because here's the truth, if you don't choose your priorities, your pressures will. So therefore we need to choose wisely. And we've looked at choosing to praise, choosing to be resilient. And today I wanna look at choosing surrender. Now. Yeah, I feel it's kind of fun to poke at things we like to control. But the reality is whenever we're trying to control something that's not ours to control, it becomes a reflection of a spiritual problem. We're trying to be like God, we wanna control because we believe we know what's best. And that means ultimately we're just trying to be like God. You know, this past fall, our youngest daughter moved away for college and sending your kid off isn't easy. If you've ever done it, you can relate. But about a month ago, she phoned me and said, Hey dad, my car won't start. It had been sitting in the deep freeze of the prairies for a number of days. It wasn't plugged in and normally I would just take care of that for her. But with her being on her own, I had to give up that control and let her figure it out, which she did. But as a dad, I like to control those things for my girls, but I had to release it. I had to surrender it and say, well, there's nothing I can do about this right now. Giving up control is difficult because most times it's not just a dead battery, it's something so much more. It's a sickness you wish you could take away. It's a relationship you wish you could restore. It's a scenario you wish you could change. And because we feel like we know what's best in those situations, it becomes a challenge to surrender. In fact, I think sometimes we even feel guilty if we surrender because then it feels like we're not doing anything about something we believe we should be doing something about. I wanna take you to a very common verse. It's on mugs and plaques around the world. And there's a reason for that because these words were written by a man named Solomon who had everything he could ever want, who lived his life to the full, but he also had God given wisdom in which he was able to give some very wise guidelines for life. He writes these words essentially as someone who has figured some things out. And he says, this is the foundation of true wisdom. He writes, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways, submit to him and he will make your paths straight. Trust in the Lord, surrender to God with all of your heart. I mean that's echoing Jesus's words. Love the Lord your God with all your heart. And what he says next is where it gets kind of tricky. Do not lean on your own understanding. How many times do we have it figured out? We have the solution, we want the control, but it says lean not on your understanding. And how often should we be doing this? In all our ways, meaning in everything at all times with all things we submit to God. Now this was originally written in Hebrew and the word submit means to give under to cease fighting to yield. Ultimately it means to surrender. And it's not until we do that God will make our path straight, meaning he will help us make sense of all things. You know, control is a funny thing, and I'm sure you've noticed this. The more we try to control, the more we become afraid of losing control. And the more afraid we get of losing control, the more we try to control. It's like this cycle. And ultimately I believe it becomes a cycle of fear. Fear makes us wanna control all that we can because surrender means it might not turn out the way that we want. Fear edges God out. Fear says, God, I'm hanging onto this, I'm not giving this to you. And so friend, I wanna ask you, what is one area you find difficult to surrender? Think about that. What is one area you find difficult to surrender? My guess is that fear is a big reason. Fear to fully release it to God because let's be honest, you know what's best and there's always this slight chance that God may have a different path. And that's scary. Control just seems like the safer option. And the problem is when we try to take control, we rarely get it right because control can go bad. And I mean really bad. And I'm gonna give you an example from scripture. I want to take you to a time in the life of two people called Abraham and Sarah. Their names were later changed to Abraham and Sarah. And if there ever was anyone who battled with control issues for their life, it was these two. Now you can read about this in the first book of the Bible called Genesis. God makes a promise to Abraham and says this, I will make you into a great nation. All people on earth will be blessed through you. God also promised them children, even though at the time they couldn't conceive, he said it this way, I'll, I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. And so Abraham and Sarah, they're living with these promises, with these hopes and with these dreams. But here's the reality. After hearing from God, nothing happened year after year after year. There was a promise but no fruit. And Sarah did what so many of us do when God's timing wasn't her own, she decided to take control and bring about the desired outcome. I wanna read you what Sarah did. Let's go to Genesis chapter 16 and I wanna read you the first four verses of that chapter. It says this, now, Sarah Abraham's wife had born him no children, but she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar. So she said to Abraham, the Lord has kept me from having children Go sleep with my slave. Perhaps I can build a family through her. Abraham agreed to what Sarah said. So after Abraham had been living in Cana in 10 years, Sarah, his wife, took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar and she conceived, okay, bro, it doesn't take a genius to see multiple levels of issues right there, . But here's the thing, when we take control, it really makes sense to us on the inside. But for most, from the outside looking in, it doesn't. And Sarah's thinking, God's not doing what he said he was gonna do. I've got a really great idea and I'm just gonna help God get his plan going. I've got this figured out. Who knows? Okay? She might have even convinced herself that this was the way God intended it to be. He made a promise. His timing was not consistent with her timing. So she took control and control went bad. And if you don't know what happened next, let me tell you, it's wild how one controlling situation ended up impacting people for centuries to come. Hagar gets pregnant and gives birth to his son. They called him Ishmael later on. Sarah also eventually conceives and gives birth to his son. This was the original promise that God made and they called him Isaac. And if you look at the lineage from these two boys, it's actually mind blowing out of Ishmael. You have the Palestinians, the lineage where you have Muhammad out of Isaac, you have the Jewish nation, the lineage where you have Christ. And centuries later there is still tension between these two nations. All because control went bad. All because someone said things are not happening in my timeline the way I want it to happen or the way I see it should happen. Therefore I'm gonna do what I can to make sure something happens. Friends, to pursue the main thing, to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and mind. We need to choose surrender over control every single time. And I don't know what it is for you, but trust me, at some point this year, you're gonna be tempted to take something into your own hands instead of trusting God when things aren't going the way that you hoped. Maybe you're a single Christian person. You know you need someone who loves Jesus and who follows his ways. You know the Bible talks about being unequally yoked, but instead of surrendering this area of your life, you're gonna take control. Maybe it's a financial issue. You know you're supposed to put God first in all things. Generosity needs to be part of your life. You know, it's something that frees the grip of money over you, but it doesn't all make sense. And so you take control, you're gonna do it your way. Maybe it's at work. No one does the things the way you do them. And so you're burden yourself out because it needs to be done exactly your way or else the job isn't done right. Or here's one, and parents, I love you, but there is a thing called helicopter parents, you do your kid's homework, someone picked on your kid at school and you're gonna find that kid's mom, you send your kid out to get the mail and you make them put on a helmet and knee pads, okay? Overprotective parents, you just need control. True story. I read in the Huffington Post recently that of recent college grads, 8% bring one of their parents to a job interview. Here's a tip, okay? If you're interviewing at Hope City, leave your mom in the car even if she drove you. All right? What's the one thing you find difficult to surrender? That one thing you're trying to control? Is it your kids, your grown kids, your grandkids? Is it your finances, your job, your relationship status? Is it a sickness, your spouse, your image? Now ask yourself, is this really mine to control or is this something I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean on on my own understanding? Is this something I need to surrender? Uh, but Pastor Phil, you don't get it. It's hard to surrender this thing. It's hard to fully trust God in this area. It's so difficult to release it to him because what if it doesn't happen Or, or what if the worst does happen? Or what if it's different than I want? Friend, listen to me and let me ask you, do you believe God is good? Do you believe he's a great father who loves to give good gifts to his children? Do you believe that he knows the end from the beginning? Do you believe that he works all things, all things meaning the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, all things out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose? You see, I'm not making light of your situation, but I'm telling you there is one who can make it lighter. You don't need to control it anymore. You don't need to try so hard anymore. You don't need to let it consume your every waking thought and minute. Friend, listen to me, trust in the Lord, surrender it to him, release it to him. That one thing in your life that's eating you up, give it to the Lord. And Jesus, Jesus, he gave us the perfect example of how to do this. Hours before going to the cross, he was overwhelmed, he was stressed out, he knew what lay ahead of him and he was filled with sorrow. And he prays this my Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. When you think about that, Jesus asked God to change the plans even though he knew what lay ahead was God's will. Even though he knew he had to go to the cross to die for our sins and to rise to beat death and offer life both now and eternally, Jesus knew that was the plan. However, Jesus asked God for the cup to be lifted because he also knew that God was all powerful, meaning Jesus believed that God could devise another plan. And here's the deal. I think most of us are used to praying like that. God, please do something here. God please change the circumstance. God I need you to do what I'm asking you to do. I need you to comply with the way I want. But Jesus prayed for his circumstance to change and yet he didn't stop there. So he said, my Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. And here it is, yet not as I will, but as you will. That's a prayer of complete surrender, of complete trust, of complete dependence. God, take this away from me. I don't want it. I wish I could control the outcome, yet not as I will, but as you will. And here's the tension. Most of us want God to do our will because to us, our will makes sense. Our will won't have us walk through the pain of what could be our will won't have us face hardship, our will will always seem like the better option. And Jesus prayed, not as I will God, but as you will. In other words, I'm not gonna try to control this situation. I'm gonna fully surrender it to you and I'm gonna fully trust you. God, you are the one in control. And so I give this to you to help you with the posture of surrender. I wanna give you three questions to ask about the things you may be tempted to control. Three questions that will help you choose surrender. First question, is it worth it? Now that's a good question.'cause seriously, sometimes things that work us up and stress us out, things that we we need to control aren't really worth it. These are the things that are usually preference based, meaning they're what you think is best, but someone else might have a different way to approach the same thing. You know, as our church grows, and I was thinking about this, I've had to grapple with this very thing with more team pastors and great leaders in the mix. People will do things differently than I would. But I remember hearing a great leader once say, you can have control or you can have growth but you can't have both. And so at times it may not be the way I would've done it, but it doesn't mean it's wrong, it's just a different way. And so in that it's gauging, is it worth my concern? This is letting the minor things be minor. So in your marriage, in your relationships, you can have control or you can have intimacy. But listen, you can't have both. Don't let the little things ruin what matters most. Like in our home to help out, I like to do the laundry, but more times than not, I fold the towels the wrong way. And by the way, did you know there was a right and a wrong way to fold towels? Did you know that? I didn't know that until I got married. Now I know. But listen, five years from now, no one's gonna care. So seriously ask yourself, is it worth it? The second question to ask, is it mine? Sometimes we let go of things we need to actually own. And the truth is God won't do everything for you. He wants and expects you to do some things yourselves. Like there's a big difference between surrendering control and relinquishing responsibility. If you're in financial trouble, you don't just sit around and say, okay God, this one's up to you. You got yourself into the mess. Get yourself out. Get a job, get a second job. Get help. Pay down debt. Spend less than you make. Do something about it. If your marriage is struggling, you can't change your spouse, but you can change yourself. You can adjust your heart. You can go to counseling. If your child is making bad decisions, be there for them. Build bridges to them. Keep the lines of communication open. Do what it takes. If you're a single guy and you wanna get married, quit playing Xbox in your mom's basement, shower, brush your teeth, get a job. If you have the power to change what you are facing, then do so. Is it mine? So is it worth it? Is it mine? And here's the third question. Is it god's? Is this something that needs to be fully surrendered to God? Many of the scenarios we try to control are actually beyond our control. And when we have scenarios like that, we need to ask is this for God and God alone? And I wanna take you to something that the Apostle Paul wrote while chained to a prison guard, while in a situation that was literally beyond his control. This is what he writes. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Alright, hands up. How many of you were anxious about something this past week? Okay, my hand's up with you now. Keep your hand up if you would say the situation is out of your control. I can relate. Okay? I was anxious on a number of things that were all out of my control. And Paul's saying, guys, don't be stressed out instead by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, bring it to God, release it to God, surrender it to God in every situation. In all ways. What do you do by prayer and petition? Meaning by talking to God. And by asking God to do what only he can do, you bring it to him. Prayer should never be our last resort. It should always be our first line of defense. And then when you finally do release control, when you finally do give it all to God, when we finally surrender and fully trust him, listen to what Paul writes next. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I want you to hear that one more time. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. God gives a supernatural piece that goes beyond our ability to understand. And maybe you've seen it in others, or maybe you've even experienced it before. It's, it's this really hard time and someone comes to you and says, how are you doing so good? And you're like, it's just'cause I'm consistently surrendering it all to God that I can say He's giving me a peace and I can't really explain it. Friend, listen, you can't change your spouse. I know some of you think you can, but you can't. But God can change your spouse. You can't physically heal your body. We all wish we could. But God can heal your body. You can't control your kids' future. We all want to until they're 60, but God can direct them and be with them. We serve a God hope city. Listen to me. We serve a God who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. He is a God who can do the impossible. A God who cares about every single detail of your life to the point that he knows how many hares are on your head. And so this year, in order to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, may you choose the posture of surrender. May you be able to release those things that are, that are so hard and that you so badly want to control. And may you experience God's peace as you do. Three questions to ask in each scenario. Is it worth it? Is it mine? Is it God's friends today? Listen to his word. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways, submit to him and he will make your paths straight. I'm gonna ask you to stand if you are able to. I'm gonna close and praying for you. And before I pray, I just want you in the quiet of this moment, identify once again that thing that is so hard for you to surrender. That thing where you're saying, God, I wanna hang onto this, I want control. And whatever that is, I just encourage you right now to say, Lord, I surrender it to you, Lord, I give it to you. Lord, I trust you in this. And so God, I pray for my friends. I pray that as they face today, tomorrow, and this year, as they walk through complicated scenarios, as they walk through situations that are just very stressful or worrisome, I pray in those moments, God, they are able to fully surrender to you, fully. Give it over to you. May they trust you with all their heart, soul, strength, and mind. May they follow you in that way. And so I ask even, even today as they are just saying, God, I wanna give this to you. I pray right now for the peace of Christ to rest over every heart and every mind. I pray right now for your peace to come alongside of them. And as they release this to you, they know they can fully depend upon you. They can trust you. They know that you are a good God. And they just will say, okay, here it is, God, I'm done controlling. I'm done trying to put my own spin on things. I surrender it to you, I give it to you, and I will follow whatever it is that you have for me. Not my will God, but your will be done. And so as we surrender these things to you today, Lord, I pray that you just bring about your confidence, your assurance, and your peace in the mighty name of Jesus. You know, maybe you're joining us today and you don't know Jesus personally, online across our campuses in the house friend, really following Jesus. I said this earlier, is all about surrendering your life to him. And if you want to do that today, Jesus died on cross to forgive your sins. He rose to offer you life both now and forever. And I truly believe that this is the best decision that you can make in your life. And if you wanna make that decision today, I'm gonna pray a prayer that helps you put into words the beginning of that journey. I just ask you to pray along with me. Let's pray. Jesus today I see my need for you. And I thank you for going to the cross, for dying, for my sins, for rising and offering me life and hope both now and forever. And so today I put my faith in you. I put my trust in you. I surrender all that I am to you Lord. And I thank you that I can have this new life in you. I thank you that I can follow you and understand what it means to make you Lord and leader of all that I am. And so today I put all that into your hands. And God, I pray over every individual, every couple, and every family. I ask that as they go into this week, God, may they sense your presence, your nearness, your guidance. I pray Holy Spirit, that they understand that you are their source of comfort, their source of strength. And may you speak in and through them, Lord and I pray as we try to live our lives to the best of our ability to love you, God, with our, with all our heart, soul, strength, and mind. May we do so in a posture of surrender. And so we release those situations to you. And God, I ask by your mighty power and in the name of Jesus that the peace of Christ rests over every heart and every mind for your glory, for your honor, in the powerful name of Jesus. I pray this. Amen. You know, if you prayed that prayer of surrender your life to Jesus today, can I just ask you to do one more thing? And that is just tap the disc on the seat in front of you. We'd love to get a digital booklet inside your hand that talks a little bit more about knowing and following Jesus. It's also our way of trying to connect with you in a large church. Also, if you're joining us in house, uh, and you want prayer over anything, right down at your front left, after this service, we're gonna have a prayer team available. They would love to pray with you. Hope City know this. I'm cheering you on, praying for you. Love you lots. Thanks for being in church today. God bless you guys. Have an incredible week.